The Rules
by Dryad7
Summary: I do not own Gibbs. I do not own Abby. I am on the run from Ziva.  I do own coffee.
1. I own

I do not own NCIS, Gibbs, or any government agencies. If I did, I would have already finished conquering the world.

I do not own Abby. If I did, I would know who took my favorite pen.

I do not own Ziva. This is obvious. I'm still alive.

I do not own any of the people appearing on the show, NCIS, or the show itself.

I do not own the Rules of Gibbs.

I do own coffee.


	2. The first five

Rule #1: Never let suspects sit together; this usually leads to embarrassing situations.

Suspect 1: Why don't you tell the truth?

Suspect 2: I did. I can tell them more if you'd like.

Suspect 1: You do that.

Suspect 2: Hey, people? This woman married three people!

Suspect 1: Why you—

(Ten minutes later)

Suspect 1: I have no idea how he came to be unconscious, sir.

Rule #2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene—they're the ultimate in fashion.

Tony: You forgot to put on your gloves, Probie.

McGee: No, I'm just wearing clear ones.

Tony: What kind of fashion statement is that?

McGee: I don't know, but I like them a whole lot better than your purple ones.

Tony: I borrowed them from Abby, ok?

Gibbs: Nice gloves, Tony.

Rule #3: Never be unreachable. Unless you're Gibbs.

Ziva: Where's Gibbs?

Tony: We don't know. He's not answering his cell phone.

Ziva: Isn't there a rule about not being unreachable?

McGee: (muttering) That's what _he_ said.

Rule #4: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell Gibbs and have him kill you.

Tony: Boss, I have to tell you my secret. I'm in love with Abby.

BANG!

Rule #5: Coffee and Caf-POW should never be messed with.

As Gibbs enters the lab, he notices a burning scent in the air. On the table, there is a Ken doll that resembles Tony remarkably, tied in a strangely contorted position. On the table is a note:

_Gibbs, the results are up on the computer. I will be right back after I finish torturing Tony in untraceable ways. He put pepper in my Caf-POW._

_Abby_


	3. and the next five

Rule #6: Never say you're sorry. This leads to sentimentality and—gasp!—HUGS.

Abby: Go on, say it.

Tony: No.

Abby: Come on, you'll feel better.

Tony: No!

Abby: Remember what happened with the Caf-POW?

Tony: Alright, I'll say it! (Deep breath) Palmer?

Palmer: Yes?

Tony: I'm sorry I pretended to be a dead body and then grabbed you, causing you to shriek like a girl in front of people you respect.

Palmer: I forgive you, Tony. (hugs Tony)

Tony: (with a slightly revolted expression) Never speak of this to anyone.

Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie. That way, when you're caught, you can blame it on specific people, like McGee.

NOTE: Although we attempted to get the recording of this incident, unfortunately McGee discovered us and confiscated our recorders.

Rule #8: Never take anything for grants. People will think you're running a scam.

(knock knock knock)

Tony: Hello, I am an officer of the 'Grants for Future NCIS Agents Society'. Would you like to donate money t o our worthy—

SLAM!

Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife. Or a spoon. Eating with your hands is SO last millennium.

On a desert Island…In the middle of nowhere…with two million cans of green beans…

Tony: Hey look! Green Beans! But there's no can opener.

Ziva: Luckily, I have my knife, which is able to open cans.

Abby: Yay! Ew, Tony, why are you using your hands?

Tony: Cauhe I hungy.

Abby: That is disgusting, Tony. You should always carry a knife and a spoon—like Ziva and me!

Rule #10: Never meet persons involved in the case. They might think you like them.

Annoyingly Happy Fangirl: Oh wow, my parents were just murdered and my house burned down, but there was a Marine in it when it burned down, so NCIS is going to come investigate!

McGee: Hello Miss. First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

AHF(hereafter abbreviated): Oh WOW, you are SO McGee!

McGee: Um, yes, but I prefer Special—

AHF: EEEEEE! I Love You! You are like my favorite character on NCIS!

McGee: Um, miss—

AHF: This is SO TOTALLY AWESOME! Is Tony real too?

(McGee escapes)

McGee: Boss, I think we have a situation.

(Gibbs goes to meet AHF)

Gibbs: Now, what's going—

AHF: GIBBS! EEEEEEEEE!


	4. and the five of horror

Rule #16: Never let your crime scene fall into the hands of anyone else—they will only sell tickets and contaminate it.

If you were hoping for a description, see any given crime scene, then add a ticket-selling clown with acute xenophilia.

Tony: AAH! THE HORROR!

Rule #17: Never buy pink ribbon for your crime scene. It may be cute, but it's also highly useful for strangling.

EDIT: THIS SCENE REMOVED FOR EXCESSIVE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION INVOLVING A PINK RIBBON, ZIVA, AND AN AIR HEADED OVERLY PERKY CHEERLEADER-TYPE. DON'T EVEN ASK.

Rule #18: It's better to seek permission than ask forgiveness if you're thinking about Abby's comestibles.

Abby: YOU stole the cookies from my cookie jar. My superglue will get you. Then I will kill you in completely untraceable ways, or I will get Gibbs to take you apart into little tiny pieces, which I mill then seal into evidence bags that will subsequently be destroyed. Unless, of course, you happen to have replacements.

Rule #19: Do not lie to Ziva. Or Gibbs. Or Abby. There is no lie strong enough to withstand them.

*whimper*

Rule #20: Don't Gibbs-slap Gibbs. Ever.

In a moment of light-hearted fun, Tony is aiming for the back of McGee's head, narrowly misses, and hit Gibbs instead.

THREE MONTHS LATER:

Desolation and despair cover the earth and usher in the end of time.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I am opening this series up to others. If you wish to contribute a scenario, either send it to me and I will publish it with its accompanying rule, or I will send you a rule and you can write a scenario to fit it. Either way, you will be given credit.

Thank you.


	5. The five with bonus

Rule #21: Rule 20 applies to Abby also.

In a moment of light-hearted fun, Tony is aiming for the back of McGee's head, narrowly misses, and hits Abby instead.

Kittens begin weeping.

THREE MONTHS LATER:

The combined tears of all kittens create a second world-wide flood, as Abby follows Tony around, asking, "Why, Tony? Why?"

Rule #22: The ultimate purpose for a credit card is becoming a weapon in Ziva's hands.

Ziva, in evening gown and stilettos, corners bad dude, holding only a purse

Bad dude: Whatcha gonna do, kill me with a credit card. (Laughs uproariously, thinking he is a wit.)

Ziva opens her mouth, pauses, _smiles_, then proceeds to stun and incapacitate him using only a credit card and her left elbow.

Rule #22: Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation. Ever. This is too serious to parody.

NB: The author attempted to discover what would happen by actually bothering Gibbs in interrogation. We are not sure exactly what happened, but we are happy to inform you that she is out of ICU and the prognosis for full recovery is good.

Rule #23: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live free of debilitating injury and/or complete misery.

Coincidentally, the method by which she tried to bother Gibbs involved stealing his coffee.

Rule #24: When you need to be given quick and simple information, don't ask Ducky.

Tony: Hey Ducky, are those bloodstains shaped like fish?

Ducky: Well, it's interesting you should mention that. You see, if what we are seeing here is real, then this is very much like an autopsy I performed when…

Rule #25: If you break 24 and ask Ducky, DO NOT tell him his stories are boring and you don't care.

Tony: *tied to a chair, totally exhausted, eyes glazed*

Ducky: And then my father took my out on a boat and taught me how to fish. Very interesting, eh?

*_contributed by MagicalSquaresOfDarkness_


End file.
